moving target

I would just appreciate if my students would stop changing their attitude all the damn time. If they would just either be assholes all the time or charming all the time, it would help keep me less disoriented.

There were no protests today, no uprisings and refusals to do the work. I handed them a 15-page biography of Cesar Chavez and they stared, stunned. Then I broke it into pieces, making each person responsible for a chapter and we shared out. I think jigsawing is stupid usually, but in this case I didn't have a choice.

"Who is Cesar Chavez?" they have been asking, and I'm creating a blockbuster-like buzz. Today they were mortified that he was beaten for speaking Spanish, and Monday they will learn about the strikes. WHY THE HELL DO MY MEXICAN-AMERICAN STUDENTS NOT EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS??? (And Aztec Boy corrected me when I called Chavez Mexican - "He's Mexican-American, please" - because Aztec Boy is puro mexicano and proud of it) What the hell kind of sucky schools have they been stuck in? One of the greatest modern leaders, who is a positive role model for everybody, is ignored? Stupid. Yesterday at a faculty meeting I suggested we change the school's name to Cesar Chavez High School, and it's like I suggested we kill Wilbur and eat him as BLT. But it seemed reasonable - I mean, it's confused all the time because an elementary school has the same name. Why not have it be named after a great person who also happened to have helped the families of some of my students??

Anyway, I'm still a sucky and boring teacher, they've just given up trying to argue. Well, at least for one day.

Boy-whose-name-is-spelled-like-a-girl's insisted on hugging me today because I called his house yesterday to find out if he got lost on his way to school. Then I called all his teachers and figured out which classes he can still pass, and I will ride his ass until he passes. This kid has failed more than he's succeeded in his life, and he's going to make it through this term without going to panel if it kills me. The math teacher told me he was failing but then called me back to say he aced a quiz and he's doing fine now.

5th period Little Fuck You is back - he was suspended for yelling at a teacher to fuck off. (He wasn't suspended when he told me that when he first got here, but whatever.) His grade report shows an F almost a D and we were looking at the zeros and I was like, "Dude, you don't do work when I'm not here. When there are subs, you don't turn anything in. What's with that? It's YOUR grade, not mine or theirs."

"Yeah, but they just like sit at the desk and you ride us. You make us do all our work, so there's no point in even trying to not do it because you'd never allow that. When nobody's doing that, why would I do my work?"

Sigh. I don't know how to make that bridge. I can make almost any kid do almost anything I want, but I can't make 'em always do it when I'm not right there.

Anyway, I told Little Fuck You, "Yeah, but riding you - that's what gets me yelled at."

"Who yells at you?"

"The kids." More particularly, him. And they don't really yell at me of course - they try to argue and I beat 'em down.

"Well, that's just wrong, and you know I don't mean it. I appreciate it. I'll beat up any kid who yells at you."

Yeah yeah, until Monday he appreciates it.

Anyway, we got to talk about zoot suits and la Virgen de Guadaloupe (one kid insisting she's making gang signs) and all sorts of cool stuff today. But there wasn't much talking - it was reading and writing. Because that's what we do - protest or none.

I like the pachuco who let me borrow American Me. He's now become The Asshole to the counselor, but he's fine with me. I don't care that he's been kicked out of school after school - he's cool with me and upped my coolness factor many times because now I can mention American Me as an example of zoot suits. He is less than impressed that I call his house when he's not at school (no hugs, thankfully), but I won't please everybody. I'm mostly just a bully, making kids come to school and making them pass their classes.

11 more Fridays

How on earth do I ever think that I will work a real job? I had to work until 4 pm today and it just about killed me.

OK, granted, I was there before 7:30 and had no break - but still! And I think I'm going to be some big-shot corporate lawyer working 70 hours a week? Please. At 1:30 pm each day, it's time for this gringa to head home. (Aztec boy has begun shouting my name across campus every time he sees me. And he pro-JECTS. It's embarrassing. But at least he calls me by my legal name and not "stupid Alaskan" or "white chick" or anything else I know he thinks of me. What I think I like most about him is that when he's alone or in a small group with me, he's a dickhead and we argue, but once we're in class he would never misbehave and he respects the authority of my position. Even though I'm a gringa.)

Today I paid $25.71 for the first college I attended, and very probably the worst college on the entire planet, to FedEx my transcript to the law school service. Why? Because when they sent it on August 2 it was never actually received, which I only learned yesterday.

I am hemorrhaging cash. It is ugly. So, Patriot Law School didn't charge me to apply, so I think of the $25.71 spent on that, and they damn well better accept me.

Good news? Principal said he'd sign approval for me to teach summer school. I need the cash if I'm traveling next year.
Bad news? I hate teaching. I am so grumpy. But, summer school would only be 5 weeks and it's very different - longer classes, more motivated kids. I've never had a bad summer school teaching experience.

Though I would rather be working at REI, but I make about 10 times more teaching. And if I'm accepted to Patriot Law School and decide to go, I'm taking off June 16, my last day of work. 11 more Fridays.

I emailed most excellent poli sci prof and asked him how many advisees he has - there's like one ABD every other year. Um, my former-advisor had 17 advisees? MEPSP would be a great advisor - I appreciate a man who replies promptly to my email and tells me where he goes skiing. In person we have really awkward conversations, but in email we have an almost friendliness.

Today I got in a conversation with sister-teacher-friend who is white and was married to a black man and has a son with him. So, I asked about it, the way people treat the kid and all that. And I referred to Dayton as "my fiance." Just because I didn't want to get into how I'm trying to break up with him. (What do you mean trying, I hear my alter ego protest. You do it or you don't, none of this wishy washy crap. Dump his sorry adulterous ass and move on. Why you still think of him as the father of your future children? Stupid bitch.)

I have to say, my kids remain great overall in the face of my criminal negligence about giving a shit. Oh, I care about them as people, but crafting brilliant lessons that engage them? Bah, humbug. Then I remind myself - I'm not teaching content, I'm teaching reading and writing, and that's hard for my kids. Very hard, or they wouldn't be my students. So of course they're going to complain, and being a bitch is probably the best response.

Junior Dick was not sent to the office today, and he said I make things hard for him. He actually had a conversation, and it wasn't about being a dick. He explained he likes to do things slowly, etc. Which, I know that I move quickly, but the real problem? The kids do things crappy. Seriously - they are crappy readers and writers or they wouldn't be my students - I have all the kids who have failed important exams. So, I make things hard because I have to unteach bad habits and reteach them, and they resist.

But despite some quirks and annoyances, they're actually good sports and don't try to ice me. Spitfire suggested a game to work on vocabulary (which included me buying candy, which I won't do on principle, but nice try).

If I were teaching content, I would feel guiltier about not using more interesting methods of presentation and projects and all that - but there's no shortcut to reading and writing. You have to actually do it a lot to get better at it, and if you're not good at it you're probably not going to enjoy it.

So, I beat myself up and acknowledge I'm a sucky teacher this year, but I probably don't suck as much as I think. About 80% of my kids were born in this country but haven't been able to demonstrate mastery of English after at least 11 years in school here. It's not like I give up when I think of those things, but it makes me remember that it's a heavy stone I'm pushing up that mountain, and it's ok if I don't make it all the way by myself.

Charles Taylor

First he worked for former president of Liberia, Samuel Doe. Then he fled to the US when charged with embezzlement. Then he escaped from a Massachusetts jail. Then he went to Libya for training. He invaded Liberia and eventually (through years of civil war and brutality) became president in 1997. Then in 2003 he agreed to resign (under international pressure) and went to Nigeria.

When Liberian president Johnson-Sirleaf called for his arrest, he disappeared. Yesterday he was found near the Cameroonian border (with a trunk full of US cash). He was taken to Liberia, then flown to Sierra Leone, and now there are negotiations to take him to Holland to stand trial at the Hague.

Here's the story.

I'm still afraid for Liberia. There are people saying he shouldn't stand trial - that strange forgiveness-if-he-calls-upon-Jesus-cult there. Like Prince Yormie Johnson - who tortured and murdered Doe on TV and is now a senator in Liberia - WTF?! He needs to stand trial, as do so many others. Horrible atrocities were committed in the Liberian civil war, and they will happen again if the key players are not held accountable.

I simply do not believe that people who torture rape and murder personally and forcing children to do so (especially through establishing drug dependency) for them should be free again in this lifetime. Charles Taylor is an incredible snow-job agent - he has this incredible charisma and knows how to play the symbols just right. He didn't just snow Liberians - he does it all over the world. And he will destroy Liberia again if he has the chance.

Quaker meeting

Here I shall announce my intent to attend Quaker meeting this Sunday. And hopefully it will make me remember.

Today I walked past a colleague whom I rarely see (he works on our campus but at hours when I don't) and his t-shirt said something about Quakers. So, I stopped him and we chatted. And he told me about a meeting very near Jenny's house - which on a Sunday morning is only about 10 minutes away.

It's a strange thing - people gather to sit in silence for an hour, and as the spirit takes them they rise to speak briefly. He spoke briefly about how it affects him, and I remembered that from the time or two I visited a meeting in Fairbanks.

I've been meaning to go again for years, so it was a sign.

I've always said I'd be Quaker if it weren't for that whole Christianity thing - but I just read this, and it says Christianity isn't necessary. Because while some of my dearest friends are Christian, I am most staunchly not. There are so many aspects of it that I find fundamentally wrong - superstitious and silly and not in a good way.

But the Quakers' speaking the truth to power, peace work, all that - that I can get on board with. And not being expected to smile when people praise jesus - well, that's a good thing. I grew up in a church and I miss the community and other features, but I will not be a hypocrite and pretend to believe something I most definitely not.

OK, I just got a second wrong number, and I never had before. Something strange.

trust me, it's purple

The flash on my camera doesn't appear right on the carpet or something - anyway, trust me, the hardhat is purple. A lovely purple. I will stand out in a crowd. Yesterday I drove past construction and scornfully laughed at the workers in their pathetic white hard hats. And today, it finally arrived. As well as my steel-toe, steel-shank shoes to wear. The hard part with steel-toe shoes is, I can't press to see how close to the end my toe is. Because, of course, the toe is steel.

Anyway, the point? I'm New Orleans bound! Only about two more weeks until I go.

Two things contend for most stressful today - and the day ain't even over. One, a transcript wasn't sent in August to LSAT when it was supposed to, so I don't know how I'll make the April 1 deadline. I called, faxed, and emailed the person in charge of transcripts at the office as soon as I found out today - maybe if she express mails it and I call LSAT and ask for expedited analysis? I dunno, and I'm not happy to be in this spot. This is why I try to never procrastinate.

The other? Oy vey, my workplace. This girl needed a signature on a form and the office staff was SO RUDE to her - and worse, they were rude to me. Why worse? Because they talked trash about me when I wasn't there, in front of her. I don't even really care about them talking trash about me - but how dare they be so unprofessional?? The girl was already having a horrible day and then they treated her so badly. I went over their heads to the principal and he did what I wanted (her crying probably helped), but they made it really, really unpleasant for her. (I guess the only good thing at all is that she felt that I really cared about her and was willing to go to bat for her. Her life really does suck - the more she told me, the worse I felt for her. Everything sucks.)

Teaching is teamwork - we do need the whole team. They don't like that my priorities are always with the kids instead of making their lives easier. I was completely courteous to everybody, and there is nothing more that I can do if they choose to be idiots. But I will always go to bat for one of my kids. Always. It's a rule. And I'll do whatever I can to make things happen.

Another crappy thing - I hit the garage door with my mirror and instead of flipping like it's supposed to, it snapped off and broke. Ugh. Hundreds of dollars down the drain. Good news about that - I really needed an oil change and a mechanical issue taken care of, and now I'm taking it in on Saturday to have it all taken care of.

Most naive thing said today? Aztec boy was in working after school with geeky-boy-who-will-be-an-awesome-writer-someday, and he said he was thinking about being a lawyer but, he asserts, after all these demonstrations everything will be taken care of for his people (his words) and there will be no need for lawyers to help anymore.

Wow. What a nice world he lives in. I wish I could get a visa to that world.

Also, the principal came in with people (who will apparently be using my room for something) about an hour after my workday ends and was surprised to see me there working with kids. Well, he's never seen me teach, but at least he knows that sometimes I do put in some extra effort.

Ugh, the kids are on spring break mode, and it's still over two weeks away. I cracked the whip and made an essay mandatory - they will fail if they don't turn it in, period. We'll see what happens. I may be failing more than my usual two students. Or maybe they'll get a reality check - that's why I'm doing it now, two weeks before the end of the term.

Sent a kid to the office today for being a dick. OK, I didn't write that on the referral, but I felt like it - using instead the words unpleasant, rude, and surly. Today he refused to remove his hood (a school rule) and I was relieved. We were going to have it out over something, and the AP has to back that.

Anyway, I need to do my 2nd and last law school application RIGHT NOW. Sigh. Don't want to, but will. Just in case.

a day with an extra Mexican

We have this secretary/registrar person at our school who is unbelievably - to me - racist. She says shit like, "Yeah, unFORtunately the white people moved out of this area and those others moved in," and today ridiculed the big march and the walkout honoring Cesar Chavez ("it's his birthday or SOMEthing." Which is wrong - that's not the point of the walkout today.)

I don't even know how to handle such bigotry. Today I said, "Well, you know that's normal with activities, that not everybody knows everything. Like my roommate, she was at Tianenmen Square when the people were killed, but she was just along with her friends. That's not abnormal. And whose responsibility is it to teach about Cesar Chavez? The schools. So if the kids don't know much about him, the schools have done a crappy job, huh, since that's where we teach about important leaders?"

I felt better when I walked out and ran into Mark "This district needs a good lawsuit" special ed teacher. And then I told the best English teacher to run, not walk, away from this district. I thought she was going to kill the principal at the last meeting - and her frustrations are SO LEGITIMATE. They're my frustrations, too. We don't hate the kids or teaching - we don't like the administration. So, she said she got some applications into other districts, which I encourage. I'll bug her until she goes, because I don't want her to be lost to teaching.

Two of my kids got called out of my class because they held a riot in another teacher's classroom. Riot is an exaggeration of sorts, but not too much. This teacher talks about leaving, and I only wish she would. I believe the kids when they say she's racist, because I hear the way she talks about the kids - how English Learners have such "problems" and "deficiencies." Um, she's not bilingual, so maybe the deficiency is hers?

But me and my kids, we're tight. We spent all day talking about the march. Aztec Boy came in before school started, as soon as he saw me - and I recognized the symptoms of "post-political-action-glow." We need to get him into a good college with a good MEChA and get him a law degree - and step back. He is such a great kid, and we probably influence each other equally.

And I was out sick Friday, and they did their work and were good for the sub, which is way cool. I haven't had my classroom trashed once when I was out sick. I have only two more sick days -need to use them sparingly.

And I found the "stolen" DVD. I don't know why it was where it was, and I really don't think I put it there - but finding it makes me very happy - and now Mr. Cholo will have two copies of American Me. It's a damn good movie.

Today I go withdraw from the university - and trust me, no bummer there. Then some social activities - also, no bummer.

So the only bummer is stupid white people.

Oh, I got a new kid today straight from lock-up, and he came right when I was trying to rile the kids up because I'm making them write about a political topic of their choosing. And when I sat next to the kid and asked what he wanted to write about, he said, "How all white people are greedy."

Apparently I riled effectively. I have a little Marxist on my hand here, because it wasn't hard to help him see class as a factor at least as much as race.

"ALL white people?"

He was sitting with two of my biggest fans, and they'll keep him in line. When I looked around the room for a good place to seat him, they raised their hands like they did last time I needed to place somebody. They take pride in helping and success - kinda funny for two kids who were dropouts.

Everyday I walk out of my classroom after school and there's a cluster of my students. Oh, they're not there to see me - they just cluster there. But I tell them, "I feel like Evita, and you are my people. My minions. Here, flocking at my feet."

Crazy is the nicest adjective they use.

I have a kid with long spikes, and today I tried to stab them through paper and said we need to bring Christmas tree ornaments for them.

He was not amused, and threatened to stab me with them instead. But I do have to entertain myself somehow.

Several kids said that they were supposed to walk out today, and I laughed. Yeah, yeah, do your work first and then walk out. Besides, the walk out was FRIDAY - and I wasn't there then. That made 'em think. That, and when they said they weren't at the protest, and I said, "Yeah, guess I'm a better Mexican than you." Hahahaha

End of a love affair

End of a love affair

so I walk a little too fast
and I drive a little too fast
and I'm reckless it's true
but what else can you do
at the end of a love affair

so I talk a little too much
and I laugh a little too much
and my voice is too loud
when i'm out in a crowd
so that people are apt to stare

do they know, do they care
that it's only
that i'm lonely
and low as can be
and the smile on my face
isn't really a smile

so I smoke a little too much
and I joke a little too much
and the tunes I request
are not always the best
but the ones where the trumpets blare

so I go at a maddening pace
and I pretend that it's taking his place
but what else can you do at the end of a love affair?

do they know, do they care
that it's only that i'm lonely and low as can be?
and the smile on my face isn't really a smile at all

so I smoke a little too much
and I joke a little too much
and the tunes I request
are not alway the best
but the ones where the trumpets blare

so I go at a maddening pace
and I pretend that it's taking his place
but what else can you do at the end of a love affair?

(by E. Redding, performed by Billie Holiday)

REI

Everybody (I hope) has that place they can go to where all is right with the world.

My place is REI. I was just trolling the internet, on my second cup of coffee to clear the blear from my mind, and I thought how comforting it is that there are four REI's within 50 miles. Of course, only one is near enough to be easily accessible, but there is possibility if I need it. So comforting.

I also saw that they're hiring.

This is how trouble always starts with me. I innocently go to research what to spend my 20% off coupon on, and next thing I know I'm looking to a life change.

They have these very lovely wheeling backpacks, you see. I have a very snazzy pack that I've used extensively over the past year, but at the 100,000 mile mark it's starting to bug. I feel like a tramp at the airports and it hurts my back & hips with putting on/taking off - but I don't want a simple wheeled one without backpack because there are so many places I go where that is impractical. And I need it to have a detachable backpack, which limits me to shopping options like REI. These perfect solutions are not cheap, however, so I research carefully. The big problem in my mind is not just the cost (around $200 - ouch!), but that the wheels and structure add weight. When airlines like Emirates allow only 15 pounds with carry-on, that can mostly go to just the bag itself! When I last left Ghana, there were two young men at the base of the stairs up to the gates who were weighing bags. I don't know what the limit was but I'm sure my bag was over it, so I used that disarmingly assertive-with-potential-of-"friendship" stance that serves me so well in West Africa. Especially with young men - they have a very hard time saying no to me.

But I digress.

REI's hours fit my schedule so wonderfully - I could easily work 10-20 hours there a week to earn the extra money I want before leaving town. But more importantly, it would give me a chance to fondle the goods. I would know the gear so well - and frankly, I already spend too many hours cruising REI. I could get paid for it! I could wear the green vest! I could share my knowledge! And, I'd be hanging with outdoorsy people who would inspire me to strap on that backpack again.

And, there's probably a nice employee discount. Because I'm sure the pay doesn't rock.

reading

I'm the kind of reader who after The Chosen by Chaim Potok eats matzo and hard-boiled eggs for a week. Overactive imagination, profoundly affected reader.

That said, I'm disappointed with Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I'm not thinking of things in a new way or having my world shaken in any way. I look forward just to finishing it and passing it on - doesn't deserve a permanent space on any of my shelves. I'm frustrated I spent money on it.

It is, however, disturbing. When she writes about loss, it hits me too close. Sometimes I think I might be consumed by grief and guilt. I'm miserable about ending with Dayton. It doesn't make it at all better that I'm the one who broke it off.

So, from now on, only nonfiction about snow and birds and Pancho Villa and ecosystems.

I'm not trying to hide from the grief - I know I have to work it through. But I don't want to dwell on it. It's hurting me more than I expected.

just a few of those against HR 4437

one in a million

Here we are at the very beginning - over an hour before it actually began. Walking together, the "white for peace" mass converging, waiting patiently.

The smallest protester and my favorite sign.
Protest march in LA against HR 4437 - anywhere between 500,000 - 1 million were there. So, even though none of my friends could make it, lots of other people's friends did.

I tried to walk around the whole thing to get a sense of how many people there were - my guess was about 500,000. I took off after the walk, around noon, because it fried my brain. Not only did the march stretch 26 blocks, but people were crammed like sardines for that whole time.

The one thing I'd stress in contrast to the LA Times article I link above is that the overwhelming majority was NOT labor, civil rights, and religious groups - almost every single person I saw there was Latino (most) or Korean with lots and lots of grandparents and infants and everybody in-between. Of course they could be fifth generation, like I am, but everybody was speaking Spanish around me. And there may have been groups of others, but I saw extremely few people of my complexion. Which was all fine, and I hope this mobilization of the brown makes lawmakers take note.

Taking Metrolink - very good choice. Glad I did it, would gladly do it again. LA Union Station, very nice - with a courtyard and everything!

Y si - SOMOS UN PUEBLO SIN FRONTERA.

shopping

Chocolate isn't doing it for me with the sublimation, so I'm onto the other great American pasttime of denial: shopping

1. Hard hat, respirator masks, work gloves, protective goggles (though, I just ordered a purple hard hat on-line so will return this yellow one)

2. Lambrusco

3. A mosquito net (they had the cheap, good ones in-stock, so buying it now will save me $50 and stress later)

4. Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott and The End of Poverty by Jeffrey Sachs (Couldn't decide between Cuba, Venezuela, Oaxaca, and Chile - so put all the guide books back)

I think this shopping list makes me an interesting person. PLUS, I still have a 20% off possibility (I almost bought a kayak) and a dividend to spend at REI - which will probably be a new Thermarest, since I left mine in Jordan. They ain't cheap, but I'm sublimating, and I used my other one for many years and many times, so I know it's worth it. (OK, I had wanted another one anyway, because mine was beat-up, so leaving it in Jordan was just an excuse to be at this juncture.) I also want a new light sleeping bag - the one I have is bulky and I've had it for about 25 years (not to be confused with my lovely one for cold temps - but I want a light one to take to New Orleans).

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy to be going to New Orleans. But, last spring break I went kayaking off Baja, and that was awesome and I wish I were doing it again. Maybe I will some day.

headache

I woke up with a frightful headache - head splitting, nausea-inducing, sight-blurring. No, it's not that much better, but my brain doesn't stop running just because I'm trying to rest. I called in sick, but I can't stop planning lessons. Or thinking about future options to investigate - in terms of travel, university programs, etc. Sigh.

And I will be better by this afternoon because I want to go back to Borders - I'm returning the Guatemala book and getting another country which I will be investigating today while "resting." I'm a lousy rester.

The good news is my federal tax refund was finally deposited in my account. The bad news is I need to put all my receipts into my money planner and see where I stand. I've been spending more than usual, mostly on eating out, and that needs to come to a screeching halt. I need to be saving more money. I mean, I'm actually really good about it, but I'm going to the next level of austerity measures. I don't really want to work this summer. Oh, I will if it works out that way, but I'm ready to hit the international air travel roads again sooner rather than later.

And did I mention that my district just agreed to a 4.5% retroactive pay raise? That's a very nice chunk of change that I'll get in June. So, maybe if I could just be a little more frugal, I'll be able to take off in June. I like taking off, knowing I can return and find a job again - that works out nicely. Because I get tired of traveling like I get tired of teaching - 9 months doing either one uninterrupted is too long.

keeping busy

Fun to hang out with Gail tonight, cruising the Plaza. Hey, all teacher friends! 25% off Borders for the next couple days! Woo hoo! I picked up books on Senegal and Guatemala (the destinations du jour) as well as a couple novels (treats for myself in New Orleans) and American Me - because somebody stole it off my desk today! Long story. Then, ran into Selin and Handan (why do my stories always start like, "A Chinese-American, a German-American, and two Turks were in Trader Joe's" or "A Mexican, two Hong Kongers and a Euro-American went into a Vegas wedding chapel"?) - great timing.

Anyway, all much fun. But as soon as I start to get into my truck, those windows of realization fly open and I'm like insta-depression again - like, "Just add thoughts of Dayton for instant 100% pure depression. It's fresh but not so healthy."

Sigh.

So, I'll keep busy. Busy is good, keeps my mind off things.

Just because it hurts me so much to break up with him doesn't mean that's not the right thing to do. (K2 used to mock my double negatives - good things we're not friends anymore.)

Honestly, Guatemala feels like settling - I've been there before, for like a month. Over 20 years ago. But I feel like I deeply, thoroughly "did" Guatemala - I will recognize all the places I would go to - I see them so clearly in my mind's eye. And probably would feel the same about Ecuador, though it would be very much fun to be with Dalila in the islands for awhile. Dalila is good for me - she has a very sharp wit and no tolerance for self-pity or excessive introspection - and even though her English is just fine she refuses to ever speak anything but rapid-fire Spanish with me. She would force me to drink lots, dance lots, and learn to play basketball.

Maybe I need to look at Bolivia or Venezuela (go Hugo!) or some other such place. Not Peru, because of Lori Berenson.

Senegal is a very nice choice - it will feel like "home" because it's West Africa, and I love Youssou N'Dour as well as other Senegalese musicians. But it would be so much easier to get my Spanish proficient than my French - and in Senegal I would be tempted by Wolof (the other official Senegalese language).

We had lots of icky meetings today at work. Long day.

The nights are the worst, and I've been staying up later and later to avoid. It's always been hard on me to not have him beside me in bed, but now it's far worse and I dream of him and wake up already upset.

Well, Selin's mother will read my coffee grounds, and she will be right because she always is. She was the first person to know of my around-the-world trip, because she saw it in the grounds. Maybe she'll have good things to say about next year.

A kid asked today, "What's wrong with you?" "Um, sleep deprivation because I'm torn apart by splitting up with my soulmate," is not what I said. Instead, I snapped, "What's wrong with YOU?"

The good news of today is this kid I've only had a couple of weeks, he's just awesome. I need to call his parents and tell them that. He's Black, but his godparents are Mexican and he speaks Spanish well and goes to Mexico with them. He gets along with all different kids - transcends the barriers so many kids let limit them. Today when a kid who'd been absent for a few days needed help writing, this kid just moved right over there and guided him through the whole process. He could teach me about collaboration.

I have some really exceptional human beings that I interact with on a regular basis, and I need to give them their props.

One class today was to write about a person who represents freedom to them, and one kid wanted to write about a boxer. I said ok, and he said, "But, he's Black." "And?" He's just sounding out things, trying to figure out if he's a racist or not.

The girl whose father offered to pay for the bus, she was getting on my nerves today for constant talking and I said, "You have to stop it!" And instead of jumping on my case and being a Biatch, she said, "Why? What am I doing?" And I explained about the shouting across the classroom and agitating others - because we don't always know what we're doing. And her feelings were hurt, but she heard me and stopped, which was a huge miracle.

And this boy, the one who makes the strange sounds (and whose name is spelled like a girl's name), he wasn't in class, so I called his house. Talked to his brother, who went and got him out of bed. The kid came into my classroom later in the day to show me he came and thanked me for calling, putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it when he said he'd see me tomorrow. I'm not all that thrilled with kids touching me (yesterday I had to tell a kid to "Stop fondling the teacher!" when he wouldn't stop touching me to show how cold he was), but it was an honest, meaningful gesture. I make a difference in the kid's life (his attendance has been abysmal for years) because I genuinely like him and miss him when he's not there (his strange sounds even) and he appreciates me.

So, I guess it wasn't a really sucky day, even though it felt like it.

good movie

American Me: two thumbs up. Or two middle fingers up at the establishment. Either one is good.

Makes me realize how sheltered my kids at Sierra were - my kids now, they're hardcore. They speak exactly like the guys in this movie, though I've never heard "carnal" but that's because I don't hang out with families.

I read the reviews, and all the people who say the characters were superficial -they're talkin trash cuz they don't get it. These are the peeps of my students. The haters, they're just clueless.

One thing I liked - the violence wasn't at all gratuitous - it was integral and not shown full-up. Only had to turn away my head once.

Edward James Olmos - he's da man. DA man.

Also, just read this great article on baggies: http://www.groovetickets.com/bz_art.asp?DID=3 I don't care if it's true or not (seems like it) - I'm just tired of all the hatin on my kids for wearing big clothes. I like it better than the girls with the tight pants and seeing butt cleavage - ew! This other teacher was telling me that baggy comes all from prison, and he wouldn't even listen to other possible explanations.

That's the problem - there are always multiple explanations about counterculture. Hatin just simplifies it, but that's for small-minded people. Who the hell cares about fashion?

I have the nicest 1st period class now - it's a really small class, and almost all new kids to the school. But they are just da bomb, and they were like "Why they be hatin on you, puttin you in this ghetto room?" and I was just like THANK YOU! The other kids, they make it all about them, "Ah, Ms. B, this room sucks," blah blah. But 1st period - they realized I had to be in there all day long, and I was the one being punished. Extra credit for them all.

BTW, a teacher's car got keyed BAD. I had never heard complaints about her, though today kids were saying she's a bitch that can't teach, then others said, no, she's nice enough, she just can't teach (she's also, of course, the department head). Man, I was sure my truck was going to get keyed real bad after panel - major vandalism in the works. But no, nothing. Even when angry kicked-out students saw me get in and out of my truck.

Maybe I'm just a scarier bitch that can't teach.

Anyway, my 1st period told me about it. How do I know that I'm not the world's worst teacher? Because my kids tell me shit. Political shit, personal shit, and job-related shit - things that I wouldn't know otherwise. That's cool.

This kid that I wrote about before numerous times, he's got real issues, but I got him to stop being a dick by making fun of him - the class gets on my side and he backs down and restrategizes. Anyway, this new kid was not in my class for days, then I saw them talking together and I told Kid A to tell Kid B to come to class. Three days now he's been there. WTF? I see how the guys talk to Kid A, and it's a little creepy, because it's like the leader in the movie I just watched. Why creepy? Because the kid's a sociopath - and if he did get Kid B to come to class because I told him to, then he's going to think I owe him.

But, it's all social capital being built up. Very interesting, the dynamics of my school. My actions are political moves - it's all a chessboard. And yes, I am the Queen.

homework

So, this kid wasn't fully paying attention in class, looking instead at a DVD - American Me.

How does a teacher respond?
A) "Put it away."
B) "Hand it to me."
C) Screaming and losing control.

And then there's me. "What is it about? Can I see?" Prison. Rape. Murder. But, directed by Edward James Olmos, whom I respect mucho. "Can I borrow it?" "You won't like it, but ok."

I'm a freak of a teacher. Giving myself homework of watching a violent prison movie. Right on. This kid left the other district continuation school because, according to him, a teacher planted marijuana on him. I dunno, don't really care. From Day 1 with me, he's been on-task and respectful.

So, they like me, they really like me. Who told me today to talk to my faculty advisor? The Assistant Dean. Because the graduate school dean asked about me. Which I knew, because the grad division financial person emailed me to tell me about the conversation first - I got my peeps and they keep me in the know.

He (the graduate dean) wants me back. I worked for him last year - and it was a lot of sitting around with nothing to do, but I made lots of pretty charts. What I finally had to understand was that I work faster than a normal office person. I did lots of blogging from work last year.

And I have to say, on the one hand, I'm tempted. The grad dean is a nice guy and it's a cush job. And they say: "They raved about your oustanding contributions to the development of a faculty database and said how much they enjoyed working with you." Because I stayed quiet in my office surfing the net?

But it doesn't pay as well as teaching, and I QUIT the university. That's why the department assistant dean emailed me - I'm making them look bad. Most of the ed students aren't known outside the school at all, but I am - and I quit. That's gotta suck. The only person above this last emailer is my department's dean - and he knows me, and won't be telling me to talk to my faculty advisor - he has never patronized me. I have to wonder if these three women telling me to talk to my faculty advisor isn't some sexist issue.

I might have a protest buddy after all - a guy who was in a class I TA'd for last year.

I want chocolate, lots of chocolate. Sublimation, yeah.

perspective

From a recent classmate, who just started her masters at JSMU: "On another note, I'm glad to have been your classmate and I've learned a lot from you. Thanks for offering comments with respect and well, I just mean for being so understanding, sincere, and friendly."

Sincere, I go with, and usually friendly. Understanding? Respectful? Who was in the room with her?

So, tonight roommate took me to her favorite cheap Chinese food place. It's not great food. But, I knew that before we went because I'd tried hers before - I was polite, "Mm, yes, good," thinking "How many calories for not great food?" But, I went, and it was fun - the first time we've done anything social. We drove PAST Ikea - over 30 minutes on the freeway from home - and she said it wasn't that far. Not far? That's a Major Adventure for Jen and her min to drive that far.

So, roommate and I had a ven (though she wouldn't understand if I explained ad-ven-ture status), with shopping and all that. Nice supermarket. And she totally called all the traffic timing just right.

So, things are better with slightly-crazy roommate. Things are better with dysfunctional district. And things are way better with Just Shoot Me University because I QUIT.

I got offered a summer teaching job (that I did last year), but I can't decide if it's worth the cost of staying here another smoggy summer. If I only make $1,000 over my costs of living, then it's probably not worth it and I should just take off. But if I can juggle it with summer school teaching in my district (which depends on principal's permission, which I'm not sure of), then $$ would way be worth it. Hm.

And, roommate offered to take or pick me up from airport, but she'll probably be avoiding fiance's crazy parents then - that business trip to northern California she's been putting off, she'll probably do once they get here. Unfortunate, since she hardly needs the stress before her wedding. And I'll be stuck with them in the house. Which is of course easier for me than her, because I'm just a stranger and not their daughter-in-law-to-be. Plus, we all speak some Russian, so we can communicate - she and they share no language. Yeah, we're quite the polyglot household - English, Mandarin, Kyrgyz, Russian, German, Spanish.

But, yay, I have friends to do airport duty! I hate to ask, but I feel less bad since it's not for booty call action and it's for helping others. I talked to Mr. "It's all their damn fault" again today, and he said how "nice" it is for me to help in New Orleans (St. Bernard Parish, really). Um, moral imperative. I'm not nice. I just believe that helping others is the right thing to do. I'll get grumpy when I'm all sore with hauling wet moldy sheetrock all day. I'll crawl into my sleeping bag after a hot shower and be antisocial. Not nice. But, I'm being nice to him - jumping down his throat wouldn't help. We have different perspectives. I know I'm less than forgiving to people who make bad choices often - that's why I'm such a killer at panel.

But it's one thing to learn a consequence by having to retake a class than it is to live in abject poverty and unsafe conditions. Especially because adults made the "choices" to live in New Orleans, but their children suffer from what happened. And if southern California gets the big earthquake, do we really not deserve compassion of strangers? Every place has its possible disasters.

And I've started telling my students about it. Not because I want to be thought of as "nice" or anything, but because I want service to be in their conceptions of reality. Most of them come from backgrounds that struggle just to survive, but hopefully they will rise above that and give back to others. "Helping others is the right thing to do," I said today. Nobody argued. And trust me, they like to argue. When I say things like "Lying is wrong" they jump all over my ass. I stick to it, but they say I'm full of shit. Today when I said I'm not an expert at rolling joints (in a discussion of expert opinions), after they laughed one said, "You've never rolled a joint?" "No comment."

I just want to be a real person to them. I want them to consider becoming teachers. Today we talked about that. One kid asked if I thought teaching was the best job, and I said it doesn't suck - because it helps people and you get summers off. I also want them to consider volunteering - it enhances lives so much. On both sides of the equation.

OK, must work early tomorrow - left work at 12:15 today because I couldn't get into my classroom to work. Tomorrow is major stress day for everybody because it's accreditation visit day, but I'm not stressed because I've done nothing to prepare for it. I'll shrug and say, "Sorry." Besides, I'm not in my classroom tomorrow, either, so hopefully they can't find me.

I must add that today I pushed World's Coolest Teacher status - this kid was trying to find out more info about the HR 4437 protest - a contact number or something. And I said, oh, I have all that information in my bag. So he carried all my books to my temporary classroom (during which time all my students of that class period showed up ON TIME to the first period of the day - unheard of! - to help me) while I dug out the papers. How cool am I? Yesterday a girl said her dad said if I could organize a bus that he'd pay for it - and a classmate said, "Maybe they'll start dating" and I had this flash of serious, deep fear for a second (the girl is a challenge). I printed up info on the bill for everybody who wanted it, I let a girl call her boyfriend on her cell phone (not allowed at school) to get more info.

And the best part? I'm leaving soon. So for years to come they'll tell stories about that incredibly cool teacher who marched for their rights with 'em (yeah, lots of my kids are "illegal"), and I won't have to live up to the reality of my reputation. Love it. As long as I don't blow it for the next 12 weeks by being ... well, me ... I'll be The Coolest Teacher Ever.

committed

Students: Are you coming to the anti-HR4437 rally/protest on Saturday?

Me: I guess so. Said I am. Guess I don't have a choice now.

I don't much like going to protests alone, and I don't really want to hang out with my students, if I even find them. Everybody I've asked is busy (Lalo's excuse is best - he'll be in Italy). But now I have to go - if I back down, they'll never trust me again. Who wants to come with me??

All I really want? A day to vegetate.

Aztec boy told me to wear white - that's what all the hip kids are wearing, to demonstrate the nonviolent atmosphere. I got my colors, I'm in the gang.

Today the kids brought up spring break, and then one of the girls said, "My dad says that disaster hit New Orleans as punishment for all the witchcraft and stuff there."

WTF?! I said, "Well, some people think that, but I believe that god is not so vengeful." She wanted me to disagree with him, or she wouldn't have brought it up like she did. But she didn't want me to call her paternal unit an ignorant idiot. Sigh. Another day in the trenches.

stupidest thing said today

Upon telling the department secretary that I need a refund for my tuition because I'm quitting, she wanted to make sure I'm talking with my faculty advisor about it.

Just now, from graduate advisor: "I assume that you are consulting with your faculty advisor about what would be best for you."

What is he, my fucking daddy?

PEOPLE! I'm dropping out! I don't need anybody's permission to QUIT!

If I were in any doubt, it would be erased with this inanity.

My faculty advisor is a wonderful man whom I will always be fond of. But he is remiss in his duties with most of his advisees, including me. And I most certainly do not need his blessing to end my relationship with him and the whole damn school!

cheap seat

so, looking for cheap seat to New Orleans. Every time I think I got one, it changes price. Sigh.

Today I was talking with another teacher about the trip and he was like, "I have no sympathy for those people. They don't deserve my time and money. It's their own fault for living someplace dangerous."

Wow. Karma, baby. Karma.

Good news is Tami is cool is with airport shuttle duty, which eases some cost. But it's still $400. Oh well. Feels like the right thing to do.

My principal hates me so much he refuses to talk to me at all. He fobs everything that has to do with me off onto somebody else. Today I learned they held interviews with the position that I am supposed to supervise. Um, shouldn't I maybe BE THERE? They make it all my responsibility but I get no input?? Whatever. I feel like I should be indignant, but I can't summon it up really. Shrug. It's all just so damn dysfunctional that I don't even know where to start with chipping away at it.

Tomorrow and the next day I'm kicked out of my classroom. Oh joy. They're testing in my classroom, and i'm sure they'll trash it because the counselor supervising it is rather incompetent. Whatever. Again, feel like I should be indignant, but I'm giving a test and showing a movie. Whatever.

Today some kid started to give me attitude because I wouldn't just tell him the answer, and I was like, "Don't start that with me." I turned to walk away and this other kid (Most Likely to Ice Me) called his name and said something. I got no more attitude. Hey, if they're nice and do all their work, I don't care what devious plans they have hatching.

So, I got information for teaching summer school - it's over $5,000 for teaching 5 hours a day for 6 weeks. That's tight - that's enough more to make me feel comfortable taking off. So, I might apply ... but it requires the principal's signature saying he wants to hire me back. Which, of course he doesn't - because although he's NEVER SEEN ME TEACH, he hates me. Because it's not about my teaching ability - it's about my ability to suck up and play stupid girl. I don't do either.

How crazy am I? I hate my job so I quit everything else and extend my job by almost two months? Wow. I'm a special kind of stupid. But 5K is enough for a year's worth of plane tickets or enough to live well for a year in a developing country.

protest chants

"The War on Terror is a lie
Bush ain't got no alibi
He's reckless
He's reckless
And he's really stupid"

Ah, protest chants, how I've missed you. Yesterday was the third anniversary of the US invading Iraq, and we celebrated with a protest in Hollywood.

Funny enough, it was my first time in Hollywood. I've lived in this area for almost five years, and I've never seen the stars or Chinese Theatre or any of that. Yesterday, I did. Of course another advantage of protesting in Hollywood is that the stars will come out and play - such as Martin Sheen and Rob Morrow and Mike Ferrell and Mimi Kennedy. The cool part about it is that's more likely to get media attention than just 10,000 protestors showing up.

I went with Jenny, so we marched with the International Socialist Organization, but we were between some other groups including a Palestinian one - this made our chants sometimes a little different. I think that the Palestinian and Iraqi issues are related, but they are also very different in significant ways.

When I got home (after celebrating consumerism at Ikea), I watched A Lot Like Love (which I liked). When I took it back downstairs (roommate's boyfriend has a large collection), roommate said, "Oh, that's where you were. Boyfriend thought you were depressed."

"Um, no, I wasn't here. I was in LA all day at a war protest. A friend drove me."

I think they preferred the idea of me sitting in my room or lying in bed, paralyzed with depression. Boyfriend is a hawk, I fear.

I'm not in the least bit depressed about quitting school - that is fine. After all, I've done it twice before, and I've already filled up my time through the end of the year it appears. Am I depressed about breaking up with Dayton? Of course. But it hasn't really fully hit me yet - just little windows of realization. Maybe it just doesn't feel real yet because he and I haven't talked about it (which I'm avoiding). Maybe it's better described as a break instead of a break-up, because I can't really yet picture my future without him.

Anyway, I've started seeing the world in a moral type of black and white. My mother would say I've always seen things in black-and-white, and that's limiting, but I think it actually makes things more honest.

Wrong? Invading sovereign nations as an attempt to divert public attention. Killing civilians - and killing soldiers who are part of a force who has not threatened/attacked us. But earlier, propping up dictators because we hated the Ayotollah. When are we going to take responsibility for the huge role WE played in Saddam Hussein's rise to power??

Also wrong: Lying. Cheating. Adultery.

Right? Helping people who need it, without pushing a political agenda. Recycling. Speaking the truth to power.

Sure, there are areas of grey, but most things really are simply right or wrong, and attempts to complicate are just obfuscations to deny the wrongness of them. If it feels wrong, then it probably is. If in doubt, don't do it.

At the same time, I moved away from protesting because I'm uncomfortable with the frequent simplification in political movements. I prefer to act politically in my every moment rather than publicly. I liked everybody I met yesterday, they were friendly and open and opinionated and I agreed with them, but it wouldn't take me long to run short on patience for the ideologies. So, I know I need to remain in the peripheries - infrequent interaction, keeping informed. Encouraging my students to question everything, presenting different views to them - without politically indoctrinating them. Doing the same with my more right-leaning friends and acquaintances. We don't have to agree, but I don't want them ignorant of other realities.

i wish

I wish I could just finish my PhD here, but I think I really can't. Why? Bad faculty, overstretched advisor, and especially that NOBODY knows ANYTHING about my interest areas.

This sucks, it being my third year and all.

But, it's not as though my life was really on hold for the PhD. I've had quality of life throughout, in some ways. By teaching at the same time I was able to afford the trips I had always dreamed of - kayaking in Baja, the Galapagos Islands, and of course MEEWT including Africa and India. I owned a house and fell in love. I learned some good things and realized what I don't give a shit about. I recognized what a warrior I am and that I don't back down from a toe-to-toe with the scariest of administrators. I have had my hair done at a Vidal Sassoon Academy and I have dragon boated and I have landscaped and I have done a marathon. These were not wasted years.

So, I just emailed my advisor and the graduate advisor (whom I was supposed to TA for) and let them know - that I haven't completely decided, but it's looking that way.

As I said to advisor, "I keep trying to make JSMU fit my vision of my future, and the fit is awkward, incomplete, and uncomfortable at best."

As I look around at other programs, they all look like four years to finish usually and they do take some transfer units so I could do it in less. Most of the schools I'm looking at would have a financial package - I'd TA or research to support myself throughout. Not enough to support a family, but enough to get by a few years. Plus, there are always loans.

Other international/comparative education programs with a year to master languages and travel: Plan A.
Law school next year: Plan B. I've done some web trolling, but haven't been able to get my applications ready yet (there's some problem activating a program - I'll figure it out later - I have a week or two).

About Dayton, well, I emailed him that I can no longer be with him because he's married to somebody else. Emailing was rude, but I don't feel like talking to him on the phone. I love him like crazy, but I'm not playing this game. Hopefully he's able to figure things out. I'm not ruling out a reconciliation, but I'm not sorting my life around it. I am ignoring the pressure I put on myself - to hurry up and get the girls here (CeCe is already 9 - the older she is when moving to the US, the more difficult the transition), to have a baby before 40, all that. He's a slower processor than I am, and me being out of his life will let him have the processing time he needs. And if things work out for us to be together later, when he's really available, then that's great. If not, well, life goes on.

My roommate thinks, of course, that I am insane. But the State of Change is my permanent address. I only get this one lifetime, so I should do it right.

The prof I talked to Wednesday night over pizza and beer after class - she inadvertently encouraged me to leave. She was trying to do an intervention to make me stay, but when I said my fears of not contributing to retirement planning she said, "A year or two doesn't matter."

Transferring to a much better school will only take a couple more years out of my life, and probably create less stress, and the end result will be a much rosier future where I will have to do less proving of myself from an inferior school. There are advantages to the big names, to the connections made, all that.

Of course I have to get in, but I think I'm a pretty strong candidate. Need to craft some fine personal statements. This is a major task over the next couple months, and that's ok. Major tasks I'm not afraid of. Mediocrity and futility - that I avoid.

the odds

87.9% sure I'm quitting my PhD.

I give myself until next weekend to make the final decision, but the idea of it makes me happy. A little nervous, but happy.

So, Plan A? Go to Ecuador for a few months and get my Spanish excelente, then on to Senegal for a few months for the same with French.

Those are my two favorite continents - South America and (West) Africa.

This is like MEEWT2, but I'm glad I did the first one last year. Now things are cake - I know all about visas and anti-malarial medication and all that crap. I can entertain myself on a 24-hour plan ride and no place is exotic. Perhaps most important, I know that I can come back and start a life again - there will be jobs mid-year probably and rooms to rent with flush toilets.

But that is a productive way to spend the year, while I apply to international & comparative education programs across the country - I'll learn the school systems while volunteering, and the languages well. I have a friend in Ecuador I can stay with (unless something's changed like she's gotten married or something - we haven't talked for awhile), and she is the ultimate Don't Worry Be Happy girl. I could stay awhile on the island with her (she lives in the Galapagos, that's where we met) and in Quito (a city I do like much) and in the jungle (she took two years off her life to go live in the jungle with "the natives"), and take side trip to Machu Pichu (sp?) and the like. Then come back for a bit to the home country and on to Senegal for awhile - I found a volunteer hook-up with language classes in Dakar. I could then enter a new PhD program with four languages solidly under my belt and experiences in several different places.

Where does this leave me and the man? Well, he's married to somebody else, and he has to handle that. No more am I shaping my life to meet the needs of our relationship. I think he's my soulmate and I would love to spend my life with him and his daughters, but he effed up.

And honestly, worst case scenario this is not the worst possible life - to be a teacher and travel regularly. It pays into my retirement and is an honorable profession. It's not what I want to do forever, but if I have to, it's good to know it's there.

So, next plan? Prep to retake the GRE. I got good scores last time, but I want excellent ones now. I am, after all, applying to Harvard and Stanford and the like. I'm going for the gold - to the very best schools with my interest areas. Worst they can say is no.

Crap. I just checked the school that really pursued me for law school - their deadline is April 1. I guess this weekend I'm putting in that application. I missed the good deadlines, but maybe they still have some financial aid or something. Or, they have a night program, where I could teach at the same time.

Oh man. Plan B. They have an international business track.

I better stop now before I get to Plan C. Too late - that would be going to New Orleans for spring break, Senegal for summer, and law school in fall. Would a law school pursue me if they weren't going to accept me? Several of them waived the application fee and all that. Hm.

Well, gives me something interesting to do over the weekend, since I am doing no more coursework. I'm loading up the books to return to the library.

New Orleans

My friend Tammy from New Orleans (well, Slidell, a suburb), sent me lots more pics of hurricane damage - things are still SUCH a mess.

If I quit my PhD, I could spend my spring break there helping with cleanup. http://www.habitat-nola.org/calendar.php?m=04&y=2006 sounds like a "fun" project. Or, I could probably just stay with Tammy & family and help out locally. Wish it were nearer & I could drive there - my truck would be helpful with hauling stuff away. Hm ... it's almost 1900 miles, about 27 hours. Maybe if somebody came with me we could drive straight through ...

The other day on NPR I heard teachers at Benjamin Franklin school talk about all the work they did to open their school, and one teacher talked about 30 years worth of books and papers and projects she had stored in her basement that they had to shovel out.

Now, she doesn't collect stuff. She said paper is so heavy when it's wet, that she never wants to do that shoveling again. And, she realized she didn't need the stuff - the most important is the relationship between teacher and student.

Finally heard back from advisor, he wants to see me Monday. I should do work to get ready for it, but I'm so not motivated.

I've never really been into my program here - every single year I've tried to leave it, and then settled for it. Why? I think I need to transfer to a different school (which really means start over). I think I just need to do it, regardless of all the enticements to stay here.

standing ovation

Standing ovations is what I got today - or very nearly - based on my work on panels. That's from the teachers. The kids, they all kind of huddled like scared little bunnies and whimpered, "Ms. B, I heard you're scary and mean at panel. I never want to get sent." "Good," I brusquely respond.

"Thank you," I heard repeatedly, and "You did a great job." My teachs, they love me today.

Why? Because I kicked about 60 kids out of school. Oh, not permanently - they can all come back next month if they show up and do their work for the next five weeks. But in the past, first time at the panel was usually a warning, and instead yesterday we took our task seriously - so when one of my students who hasn't done jack responded to my question why she should get a second chance with, "Because it's my first time here," I only laughed - and checked the "GED" box and said "next."

Mr. Principal Man was unhappy and even yelled at us and I stayed calm and pointed out our reasoning. When he accused us of not having standardized treatment, I clearly refuted him as he got louder and walked out. And we didn't change our minds. (He does not acknowledge my existence - I must just blow his mind, that a young woman would not do whatever he yells at her.)

One other teacher today said I'm made of steel and asked if I would come to do negotiations with them. (The union is negotiating now, and I'll probably get at least an extra $1,000 this year from that.)

I am tough, and mean. One kid said he was trying to like fake cry last time and, he told the other kids, "And Ms. B, she wasnt havin none of that shit." True dat.

But the kids who survived, they are beyond grateful and we do little smiles at each other. And the kids I sent to GED last term, several are back now and they're in my class and they are doing totally awesome.

I think it's a good reality check for them, because once they turn 18 they will be kicked out and it's hard to get into adult school and it doesn't count the same as a diploma. Instead, they spend a month at GED prep with a total asshole and they come back often on track. This one kid was in GED for long time after years of fucking up high school, but I tell you - despite this really strange and annoying habit of making strange noises (and his boy's name is spelled like a girl's), he is quickly becoming a little fave of mine. He and another GED-grad sit in the back and work their little paws off. Today the other one said, "See, we talk, but we do our work," and as I said, "You've not ever been in trouble with me because I see that and I appreciate it." And the first one said, "Essays, I'm weak. I need some help," and I said, "My friend, this is why you're in my class. Please, let me help."

The GED teacher is unbelievable. He came in with our penultimate kid and he laid into him about what a worthless piece of shit he is and how he won't ever allow the kid to set foot in his classroom, blah blah blah. The kid - who I was hell-bent on shipping to GED because of all the teachers' comments - held it together and we gave him a second chance (the principal will handle it personally), and then today I told all the teachers that it was GED teacher's fault.

Man, he's unbelievable. If I had known the kid, I probably would have jumped down his throat. Instead, I said, "You'll need to work it out with Mr. Principal Man" and cut him off.

Because I'm not just mean to kids fucking up - it's the same for fuck-up teachers.

Kids that I didn't even know were approaching me yesterday, begging for mercy. Some sent girlfriends and boyfriends to talk to me.

But there are far worse things than to be known as the strict teacher, who has high expectations and doesn't buy bullshit.

My only regret is that it is my last panel - there's no way Mr. Principal Man will let me do it again because I don't give a shit about what he wants. I do it from a teacher perspective, which is different than the principal's (it has to be), and then he has to deal with parents and kids begging for a second chance.

Like I said, let them talk to me. I can handle it. Because I'm the mean one. This one kid kept begging for a 2nd chance and I was like Buddy, this school is your second chance and you effed it up. You made empty promises to me and just because you've been great for two days - it doesn't make up for the past 7 weeks. I'm sorry - Not So Stupid. And we didn't care if parents came - same verdicts.

I have 85% really great kids who need this school as a second chance to get on-track - and dammit - I'm not going to let a few bad apples spoil it for them.

don't borrow trouble

That's what a professor said to me last night when I announced upon provocation that I may well be leaving Just Shoot Me U.

Again.

The biggest problem is I cannot picture a dissertation committee in my head of people I like, respect, want to work with, and can work together. Additionally, my current committee is making me crazy and my advisor doesn't return emails. And this will be my life? That means it will take me over two years to do a one-year dissertation, and I'm not willing to play that game. That means I'll have to teach still. That means I'll be impatiently waiting all the time. That's not working for me.

So, what do I want to do? Well ... my first question is whether to drop out right now or to figure things out after next term (which I already paid for, though a $1,000 refund would be nice; though, with the stipend I'll earn for TAing and possible summer school, I'm actually working out ahead on that).

Fantasy land - I'll apply to another Perfect School (i.e. with international education or anthropology and public policy focus) and while waiting for them to beg me, I'll go somewhere else and do something else. I'd love to take my manic energy and go somewhere I have to wear a flak jacket and do something good for humanity while ducking on reflex. Unfortunately, nobody will hire me because I lack that experience.

Maybe if I search really hard I could find a university in Africa that would hire me for a year. Problem is most of them aren't on-line, so finding a place is about connections, which I don't have on that continent.

I don't know what to do. I'm fed up and frustrated, but I'm not really acting out of that. I'm acting out of the realization that my dissertation committee will not be worth my time, and that graduating from JSMU won't help me get a job where I want doing what I want.

So do I leave here, with only 1-2 years left, and start over someplace else? It will be better, but there will always be drama. PhDs are notorious for hazing. Ugh.

the good news

Only one more class left! Only one more class session - tomorrow - and then only one more class, a directed studies, for next term - which I can do at my own pace (i.e. - finish in the first two weeks).

The best news - the professor of tonight's class pulled me out after class to talk about my paper draft that I turned in two weeks ago to her. I had known that I needed to do some pretty extensive revisions to it, and I was prepped - we spent two weeks going over other people's papers, so I knew what I would spend about 5 hours doing this weekend to turn into her on Monday.

But no. She said I'm done. She said she's picky, so the paper was probably an A-, but I get an A for the class, so I'm done. And since the paper is like 85% of the class grade, it must not be a low A-. I said, but ... and she said she'd give me her comments, which, I have to say, I would look at closely (and an A- isn't hurting my feelings, because it was a DRAFT of a 23 page paper I wrote in about 8 hours), but that I'm done and no more work for me. Sociolinguistics is not my field, but it was interesting. She said she really liked what I did with the Bourdieu - and Pierre is my boy, so glad to hear our love respected. Especially since I think he'll be a focal point of an exam question on schooling and social inequality.

Anyhow, it was panel today, and I kicked a lot of kids to the curb, and the principal and I went a few rounds. I ridiculed the vice principal's ideas of discipline, I ridiculed how we don't get report card info, I ridiculed a lot. And the last kid of the day, I was hellbent on getting him out because while he does well for me he's a major disruption to the rest of the school. Another teacher (an old crotchety guy - the one who calls kids piece of shit on the info) said that kid has major behavioral and academic problems, and I would agree. So the principal said we need to keep him at the school to SST him, and I said hell no - he needs to go to GED prep for a term and reevaluate himself, then come back and we'll have the SST in place and can move forward with it.

And he said, "What do you other two think?" (to the other two teachers) and they backed me. Which he didn't expect or like - he wanted them to agree with him, and they were with me.

Yeah, I just declared war, but fuck it. The crotchety teacher was giving the principal a hard time about one of the girls being given a second chance (yeah, she's almost 19 and in her 5th year, but all she needs is four more classes, and her life sucks, and she just had an abortion and all sorts of other stuff - which, yeah, she's playing us, but she's so close I don't mind being played), and the principal complained to us about getting the heat and I said, "Tell 'em to talk to us. I can take it. Bring it on." (And when I saw crotchety teacher again, I jumped on his ass and he backed down.)

Let's just say, Mr. Principal Man is not exactly comfortable with me. Especially when I told him to knock off the inappropriate comments that qualify as sexual harassment (not towards me, but about female students). I said, "Aren't we in the 21st century? Isn't it time to adjust that attitude?"

Yeah, I'm bold. He's a scary guy nobody stands up to, and I know that he's going to make my life miserable. But, you know, at least he knows where I stand. No games. He heard the kids saying why they do pass my class and fail the others (because I actually interact with them and help them, they say - but the other teachers just give them the work and make them do it alone) - and if he really cares about kids learning then he'll realize that he should support me. And if he doesn't care, then fuck him and what he thinks about me. He doesn't like my self-assurance, but dammit - I'm not a 22-year-old first-year teacher who doesn't know what to do. I know what to do, and I'm doing it. That's it.

So, I guess that's good news - that I've got that spark working, the one that has "Love me or fuck off" tattooed on my forehead.

So now, I have tomorrow's class, and my prospectus to keep drafting, and the six books to read for independent study, and the paper to write for that, and four exam questions to prepare ... and that's it until I start research! Yippy! (Well, lots of other little things, but they're easier.)

The bad news is that I got a latte at break at class and forgot to ask for decaf. My poor students tomorrow, when I show up tired and grumpy.

The other good news is that in two of my classes I'm teaching the I Have a Dream speech, which is one of my very favorite things to teach. And they were resistant at first, and talking racist trash and all that, but now they're coming around and kind of getting into it. I think I'll show a video two days next week when we're in the other classroom (because they're testing in my classroom, so I get kicked out) of MLK. They liked that idea ... and they think they're playing me, because they think "Oh, just a video" - but they'll be actively interacting with it because they already have background knowledge and we've talked a lot and they've asked a lot of questions and all that. So, they think they're playing me, but I'm playing them.

It's all very much like Javier P. negotiating with me and having to do more work/time than before he started. Don't play a playa.

And good news every day is not getting iced today. Look, I'm alive still (I originally wrote "again" - because I was thinking 'todavia' because I'm thinking in Spanglish and typing in English), and the delinquents didn't catch me yet.

insanity as classroom management mechanism

Today I had to do an "activity" with the kids that they're doing in every single one of their classes. Yup, same exact thing. And one of the kids in 4th period asked, "So, what if I refuse to do it again?"

Haha. And that's what I did. A laugh. "You?! Want to not work in MY class?! hahahahahaha" which quickly became a movie evil laugh.

Of course he did it. And several of the kids asked all period if I'm feeling ok.

I think I will regularly show signs of insanity - it seems to make the kids act better. I had recently started saying things like, "Well, I'm hearing voices. And either that means that I'm going crazy, which is not good news for you, or that somebody is talking while I'm giving directions, which is really not good news for you. Which do you vote for?"

It's good when one teaches at the secondary level to not take oneself too seriously. If I thought I was all that, then I would be in for a rude awakening every day. Instead, I find small comforts in the moments when I don't think they're actively planning an armed insurrection.

when did this become my life?

Email from a former colleague:

Hello all-
Just wanted to see if any of you would be interested in joining me (along w/some ** teachers-single and not) for some St. Patty's Day celebrating. We are planning to go over to the **, on ** St. around 4pm that day. We also thought we'd where [sic] green and perhaps have some type of funny hat or something else going on.
Please let me know if you'd like to come along. I believe ** is joining us and a few other girls have their boyfriends/husbands going as well.

************
When did I become the kind of person who would hang out with people in a bar at 4 pm wearing green and a funny hat? When did I become the kind of person who cares if there are men in the room or not? When did I become the kind of person who doesn't chafe at 50-year-old women referred to as "girls"?

Don't get me wrong - I like my friends and will do silly things often. But this isn't silly, this is what middle-aged teachers do to be rebellious. A funny hat? That's something my mother would do when she was my age.

And I am most definitely NOT my mother - though for a minute there in Ghana, when the humidity had my hair frizzed beyond recognition and I was tired and headachy - in the mirror in the dark, I kind of looked like her, and I had a minor freaking-out moment that Dayton and CeCe had to bring me down from.

But I'm also nearing 40 and that is most definitely a mother's age. So who the hell am I? Thank goodness that most of my friends don't have kids, and those who do are still cool, so that we can forge out a new identity that is not "girl" and is not "mother."

We are something else altogether - whole people who aren't overly concerned about wrinkles and maturity.

And we don't have to wear funny hats to have a good time, though I do demand the Krispy Kreme caps of the mins.

really, i'm writing my prospectus Right Now

So, this Sikh guy and I have a little email flirtation going on. He just sent me pic of him and his dog and his wife; he saw pics of me with Dayton and CeCe. He's going to the camp this summer, that's why he emailed me initially. But we clicked, and we're fun. He's radical commie, recently shed the turban and beard, and gets my wit. He didn't get get accepted to the law schools he wanted because he proudly stated he'd done time for protesting at Republican National Convention. Go, Sikh boy!

Michele got me all excited about a legislative analyst opening with the city, and now that I looked, it's not posted anymore.

I need to seriously think what I want in my future. It is NOT TEACHING. I want to work with adults and be able to swear and talk about sex without being fired for contributing to delinquency. I don't let my kids swear because they do it badly and in lieu of descriptive language. I want to spend more time with people who know when a good fuck is appropriately lingistically placed.

In education our hands are so tied now, and I'm a different generation so I chafe. In my undergrad times, it was no big deal for profs to do students. Sleazy if they're married, and suspicious about bad grades for those not giving head, but no big deal.

Now in higher learning, there's always a wall - there has to be or else situations could happen. I just read a book by historians talking about their learning, and they all talked about the most important thing was the personal relationships with profs - hanging out with them, drinking and smoking with them, arguing theory until wee hours. And I know that this Just Shoot Me U that I attend is worse than others, but I still think the days of profs living fully are done. Instead, there's all this talk of "backstage lives" and "professionalism." Bah. I want to keep it real instead.

Like with Aztec boy - I had to do something to alienate us, because we're too fond of each other. Not that I'd run away with him to Vegas or anything of course, but a genuine fondness for each other leads to equality - and that subverts the status quo. I have be In Charge at all times because that's what schooling is about.

Unfortunately, it's also what hinders real education.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that teachers and students should be sexually involved. But there's this current witchhunt climate that puts a damper on real learning. I can't let my kids tell me things about their private lives, and vice-versa. And of course I don't want to tell them about how many orgasms I had last weekend, but I think it would be important to talk about real cultural issues I'm facing - because they will face them, too, and without any support. Instead I am supposed to give lectures on things completely removed from their *real* lives.

And it sucks.

OK, back to prospectus. I'm on sentence #3. Woot.

technology

I put up the pics from last weekend's trip to the shutterfly link to the right. Not many were taken - they're mostly the CeCe pics I posted here before.

So, I called Dayton this morning. We decided when I was there that I should call each Saturday as a regular communication. I didn't have much to say - I'm thinking of Mrs. T's biscuits with Michele in a little bit, and the coffee hasn't kicked in yet. Plus, I just talked to him on Thursday, and when we're apart we've adjusted (out of necessity) to having less frequent communication patterns. He really wishes he were here. I do, too.

One of the things I find endearing about CeCe is that she always responds: "Yes." Not yeah or whatever or a grunt or umhm, but a clear, direct Yes. Fred has a great Yes, too. Hannah (the neighbor lady who loves me like a daughter, despite the fact that I've not really ever spoken to her) wanted to talk to me too, but the calling card ran out so I told him to extend my greetings.

I know that when I go back I will really appreciate the web of meaningful relationships, of people looking out for me. But now, it just feels confining. I don't want a web now, I just want my man. No, I just want our nuclear family. I've become re-Californicized, I guess. Not forever, not even for long, but for right now I'm not really wanting to establish more relationships with people who are eventually going to ask me for things.

Barring any unforeseen major expenses, I'm still on-track with my savings, so that I'll be able to live next year on what I save from this year even if I don't get fellowships. Things will be tight, but that's ok.

Sometimes I toy with returning to my school next year, but the administration is SO BAD. It's the worst I've ever encountered anywhere. For instance, next week they're kicking me out of my classroom for two days to give the high school exit exam to sophomores. Why me? Because they've always used that room. I have to haul 100 books plus my materials to another classroom - why not just give the test there? And sure, I'll bring it up, but I'll be shot down. I already pointed out that the tables are so wobbly as to interfere with testing and that was ignored (despite my repeated work orders and requests for new tables).

Far worse are the required starter activities each day - they are inappropriate and make no sense and test kids on things that I haven't taught (I'll do a short lesson on irony on Tuesday and foreshadowing on Thursday, but they'll be tested on dramatic monologue on Friday). I don't know what to do. If I refuse to do them, it will be a huge fight and I'll not get a good recommendation letter. I tried to just do them and not spend too much time, but they're too much for that - and either way it's about 2 hours of grading and inputting for me each week. I could make up my own, but that would be hours of work, and I'm not willing to do that. Sigh.

I still haven't heard back from profs about my exams, and they're in like 6 weeks. That stresses me out. Well, at least that means this weekend is almost clear for prospectus writing, though I do hope to make it to Jenny's party tonight. See how work things go.

OK, time to start my day, an hour after I woke. Yawn.

the other side

Yesterday, he was the kid who shouted "fuck" at me oh-so-many times and then refused to leave the classroom on a referral.

Today, he was the kid who helped pass out papers and then sorted them and made neat piles for me without being asked, and he has an A+ after four days in the term.

Is he the one who will ice me or a teacher's helper?

That's what is so difficult - they're all both. I can't write any kid off because they will change a million times before Friday. I can't feel comfortable with any one's stability because they might flip on me the next day.

Aztec boy is still mad at me for eating lunch with spiked-hair boy. His tablemate said, "You know how much he likes you. He just gets weird." Which was an amazingly sensitive thing to be said by tablemate, a metaawareness of teen instability (and tablemate is, by the way, my greatest success story of this year - he has bloomed academically like I have only seen one other kid ever do before, and his writing is really becoming superb). Spiked-hair boy was messing around in class and one of the girls said, "He's flirting with you" and I said, "What, you jealous?" He was flirting with me, but not in a creepy way. I've worked since November to get this kid to LIGHTEN UP and I give him a rash of shit whenever I can, and now I can actually get him TO SMILE and laugh. Angry spiked-hair boy who is 6'4" of serious finally has been cracked. I break 'em eventually, it's what I do. Because now that he likes and trusts me, he will actually work on his writing, which needs some pretty serious help.

I really really really do not feel like working.

Back to reading, I guess. Have to get it all done tonight, for two full days of writing a prospectus.

Sigh. Have I mentioned that I hate my job and the rest of my life here? (Except for my friends, because surely one will call me soon and save me from this reading hell.)

14 Fridays

Have I mentioned that I hate my job?

It takes so much from me emotionally. Like, all the new kids kicked to us from the comprehensive high schools - they're rough and ready to rumble. They're abrasive and assume the worst of everything and everybody.

It takes so much for me to make them realize I'm not the enemy. I'm an institutional agent, but I'm not the enemy. They've become their own worst enemies.

Or, like how little things set off even those who have bonded with me. This one kid I ate lunch with on Wednesday, he told the rest of the class and they are pissed off at me. "I thought you liked me!" The one who looks like an Aztec warrior - he won't even speak to me, choosing instead to use all the vocabulary against me: "Ms. B oppressed me." "Ms. B discriminates against me," etc. It's just stupid shit like that that adds up.

And just stupid shit like my evaluation. Flanders is just such an idiot. When I have to explain to him that kids are not all going to understand Shakespearean English, and when I'm forced to teach it in the first 10 minutes each day my goal instead is that they see big picture and can answer test questions about it - well, it shows he doesn't know shit about teaching any more than administrating.

I'm tired of being evaluated by people who can't teach. Even all the commendations ring flat. Yes, I multi-task well, but he has no concept of all the work it took to get to that point that the kids can do it with me.

Like today. I have to be so extremely charming to get the new kids to lower their defenses. Once they do, and they trust me, we can be on our way to a learning environment. But right now, it's just a bunch of strangers stuck together in an uncomfortable truce.

Lalo tells me he had 4 codes yesterday (he works at a juvenile detention facility) - usually he only has 1 per year! So, maybe juvenile hostility is in the air.

And I'm so tired of the bullshit of my university. I think I need to start being me a little more - which means taking no prisoners and not trying to suck up. Stop being polite. Flash a little of that juvenile hostility myself.

morally righteous and single

So, I just got off the phone with Dayton. I woke up very early so called him, to talk about the things bothering me so.

First, he didn't get divorced. For several reasons, but mostly because his family told him not to because they felt I left him hanging when he needed me. I'm like, "Look, I hear your reasons. But it's this simple. I'm not an adulteress. You belong to somebody else - even if you haven't 'been' with her for four years and she was with other man/men. In my moral cultural code, it is wrong to be the other woman, and I'm not compromising my principles."

"So," he asked, "What are you saying?"

"I don't know."

I don't. I don't want to break up with him, I'm crazy in love with him, but I can't do something I think is wrong. Plus, the situation is disrespectful to me and disrespectful to her. He makes a big deal about monogamy, but now I've started pointing out that he already has a wife, so who am I?

Then he switches cultural principles, and he sounds more like everybody else - that it wasn't a legal marriage and it doesn't interfere with our relationship. Other people there tell me that all the time - that my relationship with him is the valid one, that the other doesn't matter anymore.

But it does. Because she's not free to do as she pleases if they're still technically married. "Look," I said, "There are a few major guiding principles of my life, including that hurting people is wrong, and this is wrong to hurt her." Which is one of the other reasons he didn't divorce, he thought doing that would hurt her. But, I insist, being honest with her is far better.

So, I don't know what to do.

And the uncertainty is amplified by a comment he made when I was there - that a man is the head of the household. When he said it, I laughed and said he must be on drugs to say such a ridiculous thing, and he brought up biblical principles. I said he's welcome to believe what he wants, but he can't push it on me. Expecting me to submit to his will is asinine.

So today I said, "Do you think you're smarter than me?" "What?" "Better than me? Smarter than me? More experienced than me?" "Why are you asking me these things?"

"Because if you don't, then how can you expect to be the boss of me? Why would I submit to you instead of being in a partnership with you?"

This is about my principles, too. I talked to my Armenian friend married to an Iranian man, and she was like, "Say, 'yes, dear' and then do what you want. And bring him here and we will train him. Just marry him and then you'll get him to do what you want."

Yes, I know all these games. I know how to get a man to do what I want, I know how to subvert authority, and all that.

But I will not be in a marriage where I'm playing games. And if he really believes that men are superior, then that goes against my feminist principles. First, I was thinking that I could allow him to say that theoretically as long as practically we act as equals. But then I realized that I can't be with somebody who advocates the submission of women to men's will. I mean, if individual relationships work things out like that, that's fine - it's their business. But to have it be the accepted social norm without question - no way.

So, we argued about the bible. And I brought up shellfish. "Look, Genesis (well, probably Exodus) says not to eat shellfish - but you ate crab on Sunday. People pick and choose which Bible verses to follow. Being loving and honest and all that - that's far more important. Back in those days, it was important for the man to be in charge because otherwise they would abandon the women and children and it would cause social chaos. Gender roles were different. But I need you to really think about this from my perspective. Why on earth would I be with somebody who sees and treats me as inferior? You say you're not better or smarter than me, but because you were born a man you are to be in charge? There are millions of Christians all over the world who have moved past that, making their relationships loving partnerships. And that is irrelevant anyway because you know I'm not Christian. So ask yourself why I would be with somebody who disrespects me by expecting me to do whatever he says."

Well, he insists he doesn't disrespect me, and that he has lots of things to think about.

These are, of course, fundamental issues that could drive us apart. But at least I'll be morally righteous.

He says CeCe keeps talking about me and misses me. Sigh. That complicates everything. The more enmeshed and entangled we become, the more difficult to extract. I love the idea of CeCe being here and going to school and having opportunities and all that. I want to take her Christmas shopping and drop her off at soccer practice and help her do her homework. She's awesome and I want her out of that dangerous situation.

But will I compromise my moral principles to be the not-evil stepmother? Or does my love for Dayton lead me to make choices that compromise my integrity? Sure, I can say, "You're married to somebody else so I won't sleep with you," but, um, blog fans, that's not what happened. Us being together in a relationship feels fundamentally so right that I forget about the other things.

That's what 24-hour plane trips in German are for - to help me remember that I'd rather be a good person.

responsibilities

I just got asked to "coteach" a seminar spring term. Should I? I dunno. Would look good on resume and all that (and a stipend I've been promised - and copious chocolate), but I'll be pretty swamped already.

I just had a chat with an English teacher at the school who used to teach ELD, and she was talking about all the "problems" the English Learners have - the "social problems, language problems, academic problems" etc. and I was just like WTF?!

If you look and you only see problems, then maybe that's because that's all you're looking for. I know I call my kids the delinquents, but like today they were all pissed off because I've been gone a couple days and they said, "You're the only one who's nice to us!" and I said, "Well, then maybe you should be nicer to me," and they said, "We are! We treat you like a sister!"

And if I'm honest, that is the biggest problem that I have - kids are too comfortable with me. The attitude I get is not because they see me as an alienated outsider, it's because that's how they treat their peeps. That's why they almost all pass and do well, but it takes so much energy for me to keep it from spiraling out of control.

And it's not like I act like Flanders. I don't try to be cool or hip. I'm just myself. Who I am is a kid advocate, an opinionated maverick who will do what I believe is right. I will rant about Wal-Mart and racism if they get me started, but I will also hound them incessantly to get them to be successful. The other teachers give up on the kids who do so well for me. And yeah, my curriculum is a little easier, but not that much. I just don't let up. Three different teachers were complaining today about kids who sit there not doing anything and I was wondering why, so I confronted the kids. "She doesn't explain it." "I don't understand it." Etc. Which does sound like bullshit, but then I remembered these are kids who didn't understand when they first started with me, and now are thriving.

Sometimes kids really don't understand and they really do need some extra help. Sometimes they're sitting there and that's really the reason. I've learned that over and over - if I yell at a kid who isn't working, usually that works less well (unless it's Roberto) than saying, "Como puedo ayudarte?" and helping them get a running start up the hill. Or seating them together so they help each other.

I really don't want to teach next year, but I worry what will happen with my kids.