keeping busy
Fun to hang out with Gail tonight, cruising the Plaza. Hey, all teacher friends! 25% off Borders for the next couple days! Woo hoo! I picked up books on Senegal and Guatemala (the destinations du jour) as well as a couple novels (treats for myself in New Orleans) and American Me - because somebody stole it off my desk today! Long story. Then, ran into Selin and Handan (why do my stories always start like, "A Chinese-American, a German-American, and two Turks were in Trader Joe's" or "A Mexican, two Hong Kongers and a Euro-American went into a Vegas wedding chapel"?) - great timing.
Anyway, all much fun. But as soon as I start to get into my truck, those windows of realization fly open and I'm like insta-depression again - like, "Just add thoughts of Dayton for instant 100% pure depression. It's fresh but not so healthy."
Sigh.
So, I'll keep busy. Busy is good, keeps my mind off things.
Just because it hurts me so much to break up with him doesn't mean that's not the right thing to do. (K2 used to mock my double negatives - good things we're not friends anymore.)
Honestly, Guatemala feels like settling - I've been there before, for like a month. Over 20 years ago. But I feel like I deeply, thoroughly "did" Guatemala - I will recognize all the places I would go to - I see them so clearly in my mind's eye. And probably would feel the same about Ecuador, though it would be very much fun to be with Dalila in the islands for awhile. Dalila is good for me - she has a very sharp wit and no tolerance for self-pity or excessive introspection - and even though her English is just fine she refuses to ever speak anything but rapid-fire Spanish with me. She would force me to drink lots, dance lots, and learn to play basketball.
Maybe I need to look at Bolivia or Venezuela (go Hugo!) or some other such place. Not Peru, because of Lori Berenson.
Senegal is a very nice choice - it will feel like "home" because it's West Africa, and I love Youssou N'Dour as well as other Senegalese musicians. But it would be so much easier to get my Spanish proficient than my French - and in Senegal I would be tempted by Wolof (the other official Senegalese language).
We had lots of icky meetings today at work. Long day.
The nights are the worst, and I've been staying up later and later to avoid. It's always been hard on me to not have him beside me in bed, but now it's far worse and I dream of him and wake up already upset.
Well, Selin's mother will read my coffee grounds, and she will be right because she always is. She was the first person to know of my around-the-world trip, because she saw it in the grounds. Maybe she'll have good things to say about next year.
A kid asked today, "What's wrong with you?" "Um, sleep deprivation because I'm torn apart by splitting up with my soulmate," is not what I said. Instead, I snapped, "What's wrong with YOU?"
The good news of today is this kid I've only had a couple of weeks, he's just awesome. I need to call his parents and tell them that. He's Black, but his godparents are Mexican and he speaks Spanish well and goes to Mexico with them. He gets along with all different kids - transcends the barriers so many kids let limit them. Today when a kid who'd been absent for a few days needed help writing, this kid just moved right over there and guided him through the whole process. He could teach me about collaboration.
I have some really exceptional human beings that I interact with on a regular basis, and I need to give them their props.
One class today was to write about a person who represents freedom to them, and one kid wanted to write about a boxer. I said ok, and he said, "But, he's Black." "And?" He's just sounding out things, trying to figure out if he's a racist or not.
The girl whose father offered to pay for the bus, she was getting on my nerves today for constant talking and I said, "You have to stop it!" And instead of jumping on my case and being a Biatch, she said, "Why? What am I doing?" And I explained about the shouting across the classroom and agitating others - because we don't always know what we're doing. And her feelings were hurt, but she heard me and stopped, which was a huge miracle.
And this boy, the one who makes the strange sounds (and whose name is spelled like a girl's name), he wasn't in class, so I called his house. Talked to his brother, who went and got him out of bed. The kid came into my classroom later in the day to show me he came and thanked me for calling, putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it when he said he'd see me tomorrow. I'm not all that thrilled with kids touching me (yesterday I had to tell a kid to "Stop fondling the teacher!" when he wouldn't stop touching me to show how cold he was), but it was an honest, meaningful gesture. I make a difference in the kid's life (his attendance has been abysmal for years) because I genuinely like him and miss him when he's not there (his strange sounds even) and he appreciates me.
So, I guess it wasn't a really sucky day, even though it felt like it.
Anyway, all much fun. But as soon as I start to get into my truck, those windows of realization fly open and I'm like insta-depression again - like, "Just add thoughts of Dayton for instant 100% pure depression. It's fresh but not so healthy."
Sigh.
So, I'll keep busy. Busy is good, keeps my mind off things.
Just because it hurts me so much to break up with him doesn't mean that's not the right thing to do. (K2 used to mock my double negatives - good things we're not friends anymore.)
Honestly, Guatemala feels like settling - I've been there before, for like a month. Over 20 years ago. But I feel like I deeply, thoroughly "did" Guatemala - I will recognize all the places I would go to - I see them so clearly in my mind's eye. And probably would feel the same about Ecuador, though it would be very much fun to be with Dalila in the islands for awhile. Dalila is good for me - she has a very sharp wit and no tolerance for self-pity or excessive introspection - and even though her English is just fine she refuses to ever speak anything but rapid-fire Spanish with me. She would force me to drink lots, dance lots, and learn to play basketball.
Maybe I need to look at Bolivia or Venezuela (go Hugo!) or some other such place. Not Peru, because of Lori Berenson.
Senegal is a very nice choice - it will feel like "home" because it's West Africa, and I love Youssou N'Dour as well as other Senegalese musicians. But it would be so much easier to get my Spanish proficient than my French - and in Senegal I would be tempted by Wolof (the other official Senegalese language).
We had lots of icky meetings today at work. Long day.
The nights are the worst, and I've been staying up later and later to avoid. It's always been hard on me to not have him beside me in bed, but now it's far worse and I dream of him and wake up already upset.
Well, Selin's mother will read my coffee grounds, and she will be right because she always is. She was the first person to know of my around-the-world trip, because she saw it in the grounds. Maybe she'll have good things to say about next year.
A kid asked today, "What's wrong with you?" "Um, sleep deprivation because I'm torn apart by splitting up with my soulmate," is not what I said. Instead, I snapped, "What's wrong with YOU?"
The good news of today is this kid I've only had a couple of weeks, he's just awesome. I need to call his parents and tell them that. He's Black, but his godparents are Mexican and he speaks Spanish well and goes to Mexico with them. He gets along with all different kids - transcends the barriers so many kids let limit them. Today when a kid who'd been absent for a few days needed help writing, this kid just moved right over there and guided him through the whole process. He could teach me about collaboration.
I have some really exceptional human beings that I interact with on a regular basis, and I need to give them their props.
One class today was to write about a person who represents freedom to them, and one kid wanted to write about a boxer. I said ok, and he said, "But, he's Black." "And?" He's just sounding out things, trying to figure out if he's a racist or not.
The girl whose father offered to pay for the bus, she was getting on my nerves today for constant talking and I said, "You have to stop it!" And instead of jumping on my case and being a Biatch, she said, "Why? What am I doing?" And I explained about the shouting across the classroom and agitating others - because we don't always know what we're doing. And her feelings were hurt, but she heard me and stopped, which was a huge miracle.
And this boy, the one who makes the strange sounds (and whose name is spelled like a girl's name), he wasn't in class, so I called his house. Talked to his brother, who went and got him out of bed. The kid came into my classroom later in the day to show me he came and thanked me for calling, putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it when he said he'd see me tomorrow. I'm not all that thrilled with kids touching me (yesterday I had to tell a kid to "Stop fondling the teacher!" when he wouldn't stop touching me to show how cold he was), but it was an honest, meaningful gesture. I make a difference in the kid's life (his attendance has been abysmal for years) because I genuinely like him and miss him when he's not there (his strange sounds even) and he appreciates me.
So, I guess it wasn't a really sucky day, even though it felt like it.
posted by NOLA at 9:43 PM
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