morally righteous and single

So, I just got off the phone with Dayton. I woke up very early so called him, to talk about the things bothering me so.

First, he didn't get divorced. For several reasons, but mostly because his family told him not to because they felt I left him hanging when he needed me. I'm like, "Look, I hear your reasons. But it's this simple. I'm not an adulteress. You belong to somebody else - even if you haven't 'been' with her for four years and she was with other man/men. In my moral cultural code, it is wrong to be the other woman, and I'm not compromising my principles."

"So," he asked, "What are you saying?"

"I don't know."

I don't. I don't want to break up with him, I'm crazy in love with him, but I can't do something I think is wrong. Plus, the situation is disrespectful to me and disrespectful to her. He makes a big deal about monogamy, but now I've started pointing out that he already has a wife, so who am I?

Then he switches cultural principles, and he sounds more like everybody else - that it wasn't a legal marriage and it doesn't interfere with our relationship. Other people there tell me that all the time - that my relationship with him is the valid one, that the other doesn't matter anymore.

But it does. Because she's not free to do as she pleases if they're still technically married. "Look," I said, "There are a few major guiding principles of my life, including that hurting people is wrong, and this is wrong to hurt her." Which is one of the other reasons he didn't divorce, he thought doing that would hurt her. But, I insist, being honest with her is far better.

So, I don't know what to do.

And the uncertainty is amplified by a comment he made when I was there - that a man is the head of the household. When he said it, I laughed and said he must be on drugs to say such a ridiculous thing, and he brought up biblical principles. I said he's welcome to believe what he wants, but he can't push it on me. Expecting me to submit to his will is asinine.

So today I said, "Do you think you're smarter than me?" "What?" "Better than me? Smarter than me? More experienced than me?" "Why are you asking me these things?"

"Because if you don't, then how can you expect to be the boss of me? Why would I submit to you instead of being in a partnership with you?"

This is about my principles, too. I talked to my Armenian friend married to an Iranian man, and she was like, "Say, 'yes, dear' and then do what you want. And bring him here and we will train him. Just marry him and then you'll get him to do what you want."

Yes, I know all these games. I know how to get a man to do what I want, I know how to subvert authority, and all that.

But I will not be in a marriage where I'm playing games. And if he really believes that men are superior, then that goes against my feminist principles. First, I was thinking that I could allow him to say that theoretically as long as practically we act as equals. But then I realized that I can't be with somebody who advocates the submission of women to men's will. I mean, if individual relationships work things out like that, that's fine - it's their business. But to have it be the accepted social norm without question - no way.

So, we argued about the bible. And I brought up shellfish. "Look, Genesis (well, probably Exodus) says not to eat shellfish - but you ate crab on Sunday. People pick and choose which Bible verses to follow. Being loving and honest and all that - that's far more important. Back in those days, it was important for the man to be in charge because otherwise they would abandon the women and children and it would cause social chaos. Gender roles were different. But I need you to really think about this from my perspective. Why on earth would I be with somebody who sees and treats me as inferior? You say you're not better or smarter than me, but because you were born a man you are to be in charge? There are millions of Christians all over the world who have moved past that, making their relationships loving partnerships. And that is irrelevant anyway because you know I'm not Christian. So ask yourself why I would be with somebody who disrespects me by expecting me to do whatever he says."

Well, he insists he doesn't disrespect me, and that he has lots of things to think about.

These are, of course, fundamental issues that could drive us apart. But at least I'll be morally righteous.

He says CeCe keeps talking about me and misses me. Sigh. That complicates everything. The more enmeshed and entangled we become, the more difficult to extract. I love the idea of CeCe being here and going to school and having opportunities and all that. I want to take her Christmas shopping and drop her off at soccer practice and help her do her homework. She's awesome and I want her out of that dangerous situation.

But will I compromise my moral principles to be the not-evil stepmother? Or does my love for Dayton lead me to make choices that compromise my integrity? Sure, I can say, "You're married to somebody else so I won't sleep with you," but, um, blog fans, that's not what happened. Us being together in a relationship feels fundamentally so right that I forget about the other things.

That's what 24-hour plane trips in German are for - to help me remember that I'd rather be a good person.