gifts
I met with my advisor today, and he was quite helpful, especially with bringing up that education is a mesoconcept in my conceptualization - between the microfactors (families and individuals) and macrofactors (culture and society at large). There is tension between them, and that is the nexus where I wish to examine. He's freaking brilliant, and I especially like how he takes my words and makes them sound smart.
We talked about my upcoming exams (written qualifying in April), and he started to make me a little nervous for the first time. So I just stopped him, "Should I be feeling apprehension?" He said I needed only enough anxiety to be sure to prepare, but he feels with absolute certainty that I will pass them the first time - in fact, he said, he could give the questions to me as a pop quiz tomorrow and I would be fine (a thought which gives me cold sweats and hives - twelve hours writing on everything I've learned - I'm utterly unprepared).
And then he went on, saying that in his decades as a professor, he can't think of even five students he's ever had that were in the same league as me. He said I'm gifted (which is better than touched, I think), but he's just not sure how I'm going to use those gifts. Which has been my big problem, but things are focusing in for me more. I picture ... academia. Nice professorship appointment, tenure track (because with my attitude and mouth, I gotta get tenure or I'll often be unemployed), with lots of contracting and research in Africa on the side.
Which is what I have been working for a long time, I realize now - all my experiences in education and analysis and political awareness. And to be able to use gifts I've been blessed with to help others - that's all I really ask for in life. And I don't know how long I'll be on this path, but it will be good for awhile, until/if another comes along. It's kinda like my life is like Tetris, and I'm getting those pieces fitting in together well now. Obstacles disappear when a row is filled.
I'm reading Democracy and Development in Africa by Claude Ake - he died in a plane crash just after it was published in 1996 (probably on the same airline that Dayton was supposed to fly on). Only on page 3 but so far it makes me go YES! YOU GOT IT! Development, including education, is completely blocked in most of Africa because it's not really on the agenda - on the agenda is only accumulating more power. I've taken a break the past couple days from all my hard-core culture theory reading - letting it simmer. And I've not been feeling great, but I can't get sick when school starts up, so rest is on my agenda.
Michele asked a good question tonight. I was talking about Dayton, and I wonder if he will want to just stay in Liberia now because of recent developments - it's much safer than expected, seeing his mother, etc. I know how very much he misses it there. And Michele asked, "So what happens then?" and I think my answer was a little too quick to appear not-thought-out. I think for me it boils down to, I really love that man. He is wonderful in so many ways. But simultaneously, I am really happy not being married. I will marry him, if that's best for us both; but if it's not then I'm certainly not feeling any drive. I'm not quite as bad as Carrie's hives in the wedding dress, but kinda close. And I have a career to establish, which I can't do if I move to Liberia next year. Basically, if that were to happen, Dayton wanting to stay in Liberia, we could have the nicest, most pleasant break-up ever imaginable - wishing each other the best and truly meaning it. Because can I live without him? Of course I can. Eventually even happily. Can I live with him happily? I think so. So basically, I am in the best position possible - whatever happens is great. There is no way to lose here. It does not suck to be me.
Maybe I only say that because I have all these happy feelings because of Dayton seeing his mother, and it's a high I can't come down from. But I don't think so. I think I say it because I have to give props to the universe for always providing me what I need and granting me amazing opportunities when I don't have my head too far up my ass to take advantage of them.
We talked about my upcoming exams (written qualifying in April), and he started to make me a little nervous for the first time. So I just stopped him, "Should I be feeling apprehension?" He said I needed only enough anxiety to be sure to prepare, but he feels with absolute certainty that I will pass them the first time - in fact, he said, he could give the questions to me as a pop quiz tomorrow and I would be fine (a thought which gives me cold sweats and hives - twelve hours writing on everything I've learned - I'm utterly unprepared).
And then he went on, saying that in his decades as a professor, he can't think of even five students he's ever had that were in the same league as me. He said I'm gifted (which is better than touched, I think), but he's just not sure how I'm going to use those gifts. Which has been my big problem, but things are focusing in for me more. I picture ... academia. Nice professorship appointment, tenure track (because with my attitude and mouth, I gotta get tenure or I'll often be unemployed), with lots of contracting and research in Africa on the side.
Which is what I have been working for a long time, I realize now - all my experiences in education and analysis and political awareness. And to be able to use gifts I've been blessed with to help others - that's all I really ask for in life. And I don't know how long I'll be on this path, but it will be good for awhile, until/if another comes along. It's kinda like my life is like Tetris, and I'm getting those pieces fitting in together well now. Obstacles disappear when a row is filled.
I'm reading Democracy and Development in Africa by Claude Ake - he died in a plane crash just after it was published in 1996 (probably on the same airline that Dayton was supposed to fly on). Only on page 3 but so far it makes me go YES! YOU GOT IT! Development, including education, is completely blocked in most of Africa because it's not really on the agenda - on the agenda is only accumulating more power. I've taken a break the past couple days from all my hard-core culture theory reading - letting it simmer. And I've not been feeling great, but I can't get sick when school starts up, so rest is on my agenda.
Michele asked a good question tonight. I was talking about Dayton, and I wonder if he will want to just stay in Liberia now because of recent developments - it's much safer than expected, seeing his mother, etc. I know how very much he misses it there. And Michele asked, "So what happens then?" and I think my answer was a little too quick to appear not-thought-out. I think for me it boils down to, I really love that man. He is wonderful in so many ways. But simultaneously, I am really happy not being married. I will marry him, if that's best for us both; but if it's not then I'm certainly not feeling any drive. I'm not quite as bad as Carrie's hives in the wedding dress, but kinda close. And I have a career to establish, which I can't do if I move to Liberia next year. Basically, if that were to happen, Dayton wanting to stay in Liberia, we could have the nicest, most pleasant break-up ever imaginable - wishing each other the best and truly meaning it. Because can I live without him? Of course I can. Eventually even happily. Can I live with him happily? I think so. So basically, I am in the best position possible - whatever happens is great. There is no way to lose here. It does not suck to be me.
Maybe I only say that because I have all these happy feelings because of Dayton seeing his mother, and it's a high I can't come down from. But I don't think so. I think I say it because I have to give props to the universe for always providing me what I need and granting me amazing opportunities when I don't have my head too far up my ass to take advantage of them.
posted by NOLA at 8:37 PM
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